At the age of 14, I knew I was called to full time ministry, encompassing the admirable job description of being a “missionary.” Between the ages of 14 and 26 and I went on 11 different short term mission trips, and one long-term 6 month stay, overseas. My heart always yearned to be overseas, doing God’s work, living in a hut, carrying out the gospel. This was a well-known reputation for me. Overtime, I found that my “worst fear” was that I would not become a missionary, because I created the reputation for myself doing so. If I didn’t move overseas, I feared the judgement of people thinking I was losing focus, I was not living the vision God put in my heart. When seeking counsel from church leaders, I would always say “I don’t want to wait until I’m 40 to be a missionary, I want to [skip high school / college] do it now!” Of course, they all reminded me that every Christ-follower is called to be a missionary exactly where God has put them in that moment, and God will equip the called, when the time was right. I knew it then, but I even more so know it now, that I have been a local missionary since I was 14 years old.
Today, that fear that I had of judgement is (in the process of) being lifted, as God humbles my spirit and reminds me that He has been with me all along, and He HAS been using me.
A few weeks ago, Kyle and I were reviewing pictures of our first mission trip together – Cambodia. We reminisced on how our team was able to bring the love of Jesus to those kids through song and dance. I pondered over the songs that I have sung all around the globe, songs that filled rooms with love and laughter. Then I recalled the fact that we sing and dance with the children placed in our home on almost a daily basis. While we are called to bring Jesus across the globe, it also is important to recognize the beauty of it happening in our own family room. It’s easy to be in awe of God’s presence when you are outside of your norm and living an experience to its max, knowing it will eventually end. But what about when it’s your routine, your day to day- do those precious moments with young children still bring you to the feet of Jesus? I am saying this myself…it’s a heart check. It’s fun and socially appropriate to sing Greatest Show and Cha Cha slide with our littles. For some reason, I skip over songs King of Majesty and I Am Free, the songs I’ve intentionally put on the kids playlist, the song that brings so many beautiful memories. I’ve noticed over the last few weeks how amazing our two year old’s vocabulary has accelerated. He sings entire songs without missing a beat. A revelation occurred that he could just as easily be singing these songs that bring Jesus glory, and bring me peace and joyful reminders of how majestic God is.
It’s easy to lose sight of who God is, what He has done, and what He wants for our lives, even in the midst of it. When returning from missions trips, there’s always a period of reverse culture shock. We get mad at our world for being so godless, we don’t understand how people can be so petty. This is typically known as the holy discontent. But, what does holy discontent look like in our everyday lives? There’s topic’s that I am passionate about and fight for – Human Trafficking, Foster Care… but what happens when the “holy” piece dissipates and it ends up being bitter anger? It’s easy to blur the lines when it last longer than a two week mission trip. Without the accountability of a group praying together every night, how do we stay accountable to the mission? It’s not that I’ve intentionally stopped praying for the needs, it started with…the thought of it is too hard on my heart, so I don’t go there. Then a foothold begins, and these injustices are being fought for God, but without him.
I’m about to be 30 years old. Only 10 years from my worst fear not coming true. God has absolutely given Kyle and I the desires of our hearts. Not all, but some good, beautiful ones. If I truly believe that God knows what’s best for our life, and if I truly trust him, this dream/fear needs to be released, continuously. If we receive the blessing of our hearts desire to adopt these two beauties and have biological children, or if they don’t, we need to believe that God is still good, knows all, and has continued good plans for our life. Whether we are foster, adoptive, biological parents, or end up childless, we need to believe that we have the opportunity to live out the gospel in the same way as if we were overseas. The caveat lies on issues of the heart: will we seek God through these trials, press in, and trust him, so that we can truly become a missionary to God’s people in our everyday lives?
Overseas mission work remains on our hearts. But it’s clear that we have been placed in our jobs, home, and social life intentionally for this time, and until we are guided otherwise, we are here, and we are missionaries.
“And now, just as you accepted Christ Jesus as your Lord, you must continue to follow him. Let your roots grow down into him, and let your lives be built on Him. Then your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, and you will overflow with thankfulness.”
Colossians 2: 6-7
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